Monday, October 10, 2011

Best Friends for Life

  Sometimes I feel like I'm in living in a sea of people, pretending to be something I'm not. But on the other hand, I feel like I have found more joy again. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and full of joy. But on the other hand, I'm scared.
  I'm scared of losing my best friend. He means the World to me and I feel like because I am fine that he and I are fading. This can't be it. This can't be the end...he's my best friend. He promised that we would never forever becoming a lot shorter?
  Life is pretty interesting lately. I have been incredibly happy for the past week. Me and my best friend have been closer than normal and he even had a birthday last week. But right now, ever since last week, I have been thinking about my friendship with him. We haven't been able to talk much. Are we fading away? I am scared of the future. I wish i could leave the future in the future and the past in the past where they belong. Jesus said in the new testament "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's own". I  don't want to worry about tomorrow. I want to focus and treasure every moment I have with him.
  He's my best my best friend. We have so many memories together. I really wish I new what to do. He's been my best friend for 2 years now. We have so many memories, inside jokes, and pranks. I have tried imagining life without him and I can't. Whenever I try to, I start to cry.
  Life isn't always what it was made out to be. There is love. There is pain. But there are also trials. In the new testament it says "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds." What does that mean? Is it like Job how he praised God in all he did? I dunno...I just hope that I can survive this World. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011


  The past couple of times I have been more happy than normal. I think I'm finally getting past some of the stuff that I have been struggling with. I hope that I can keep this up. The D-groups on Wednesdays seem to be helping. The only thing that I seem to be struggling about is a friend of mine. She has the seizures that are caused by stress. No one can seem to fathom it. I don't really know what to do. Every Wednesday night we will joke around while the songs are going on, and when the sermon hits, that's when things get interesting. We'll watch her until wee think that she is going to fall into a seizure.
  My best friend is so strong about it. He knows what to do, he knows how to keep her calm, and most of all, he's always there for her. I feel so bad because I panic. I never know what to do. I just wish I could do something more for her. She is an awesome girl but my best friend can do so much more and I  hate feeling weak.
  Makes me wonder why things like this happen. She doesn't deserve it. She's a great girl but her home life is a little rough. And there is no way to stop it. I hate how the World is unfair like that. I mean, I know that life sucks and it's not always fair, but she doesn't deserve that! I hate how bad things happen to good people. I need wisdom and understanding. I know God has a plan, but it's so hard to do his will when things are tough. It reminds me of Job.
  Ya' know, its funny. A friend of mine yesterday asked for my bible. After giving it to him, he turns to the book of Job. I know it's not just a coincidence. God is trying to show me something. Job, despite the fact that things were hard contently, he never gave up hope. He always had faith in God, and NOW look at him; look at how big he is. One day I hope I can stand trial, and be able to stay strong in my faith. I hope that one day I will be able to stand up for God, and have faith in him always.
  I have heard God's VOICE for goodness sakes. I hope I can stand strong, stand the test. Never give up, never give up hope, not quit. I stand before you now, issuing a challenge. Right now. I want to please God in all I do. I want to be God's warrior. I can stand my ground. I know you can too. Until next time.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

All Glory to God

 Yesterday was absolutely amazing. I got to do one thing that not very many people get to do these days; I got to walk with God. I didn't see him but I certainly got to take a walk with him. I got to have a conversation with him like I do with my regular friends. I feel so honored to be able to do something like that. I may go for another walk today. I love how God works. I truly felt God that night.
  Right now I plan on talking to the guy I like next hour. I really like him and he has no idea. He is in two of my classes. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I hope I don't screw this up. :/ most likely I will tho. Sometimes I don't want a boyfriend, but other times, I just want to feel loved like everyone else. I really like him and he has no idea. He fits all of my standards but he is way too good for me. Why is it that all of the people that I care for are either taken or not interested. Everyone wants to feel loved. Even me. There are people who like me at my school but none of them seem right. Don't get me wrong, theyr nice. But they just don't fit the standards I have set.
  It's funny. I was talking to someone who told me that I have too high of standards. I don't think so. I just think that I'm waiting for the right person to show up. Why is it that I can feel better at nigh, but during the day I just feel so lifeless and empty? I hate it. I don't understand why I struggle with this! Why do I have to go through this? I don't understand. At least I have D-group tonight. I'm going to invite him to church tonight, but he goes to his own church. I still hope he goes. It would mean a lot to me if he did. -sigh- What if I have too high of standards? I hope not.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Trials of Many Kinds

  Will life ever get easier? It seems like I'm always going through a trial. I know James 1 says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds." I don't know about you, but I don't feel joyful. With us not having a car things are really rough. I'm getting really sick of having to tell my friends why I wasn't at church or why I can't hang out. Don't get me wrong, the church just up to road from our house is pretty cool, and I happen to know one of the sponsors. But, I miss my church. I miss my friends. I miss being able to hang out with friends. I miss the way things used to be. I feel like I have so much pressure on me right now. And I feel like I have to keep in all in. I feel like I have to pretend like I have it all together when truth is, I don't. I'm sick of this life. I just wish that we didn't have to worry. I know God has a plan for me, but when will this plan take place?!
  God has a plan and I know it will happen on his timing, but I'm sick of waiting. I feel like I'm a sitting duck. Waiting for God to show me a sign. Makes me wonder if he DOES have a plan. I mean, if he had a plan, why would God just let me struggle? It doesn't make any sense. Why would God tell me to have joy that I'm struggling, and we don't even have a car?? I miss my friends. A lot. And it's only been a week. They're what keeps me strong. My best friend believes me even when I can't believe in myself. I wonder why that is.
  He saw good in me when I hated myself. I heard a saying, "If you don't like you, how can you expect others to like you?" Witch is kinda right. I mean, if you don't like yourself, how can you expect others to enjoy spending time with you? Food for thought.
 Love you guys! Until next time.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Livin' life

  As you know, my blog name is Livin' life. And I have been thinking, What does that mean? An old friend told me last week that when your in high school, school is either your kingdom, or your own personal version of hell. What high schools don't get is that the school is ONE body. One. One with everybody creating it. Say in school you were to  take out the rejects that were cast out anyway. Then you take away the emo, then the neutral..etc. If you go on long enough, soon, the school is just a building. The school is not the building but what makes up the school. Why is it that you walk into a school and all you see are either couples kissing in the hall, or groups. Emos, preps, nerds, geeks.. sure everyone is different, but if everyone stopped going to school, what would happen? It would just be an empty building. You forget that its that everyone as a whole makes up the school.
  I hate how everyone separates themselves into groups. Because what about the ones in the corners? What about the ones on the bus that sit by themselves? What about the girl who has no friends or the boy with a limp that wasn't accepted because he wasn't good enough? Usually, they're they're the ones that walk into a school and shoot someone then turn the gun on themselves. People think that a way to fix it is having a police officer there all the time helps, or a medical detector.. What about someone taking the time to walk up to that person and saying hi? Someone taking the time to take them out for coffee and listen to them? What about making a friend? Last time I checked, everyone needs a friend. Even them. Even you. So the next time YOU see someone who looks sad or upset, take the time to walk up to them and ask for their name. Ask them how they are and listen. 
  Sometimes all you need is a friend. A friend can make a huge difference in life. They can save lives, they can change the world. It only takes 1. Look at George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther.. All were told they were crazy. All made a difference in this country. All famous for there honor. YOU can be the next one. All it takes is taking the time for change a life. You can be the next person. Or, you can change someone's life, and THEY will make a difference BECAUSE of you. We can make a difference in people's lives. Because God lives in me. I want to live life with everything that I am. Who's with me?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


  Sometimes you should listen to your own advice. Sometimes you should  listen and trust yourself. Why did I open up my heart? I promised myself I would keep it on the DL. But I HAD to go and "make friends".  But in reality, to them your just the topic of the next conversation. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I such an idiot? He was a good friend and I not only pushed him away but I feel hurt by what he did. I feel like such a an outcast. I feel like I won't belong anywhere. All I want is to be invisible. All I want is love and no pain. But I have to protect myself. I can't get hurt again. Why do I have to go through all of this? Why all this pain? Its like it's nonstop pain all the time. Why? Why? Why?!
  Its really sad when I can't even trust myself anymore... I really need to just keep in on the down level. I'm really sick of this pain. I wish there was something more. I wish there was something that I could do...I really hate it when people tell me to just live life at the fullest. Just go out on a limb and do something, when just SURVIVING is a struggle on a daily basis. Why is that its so easy for some people when I just have to get through life? I hate having to just tread through life hoping to survive. Is there any hope? Will I ever be happy again?  Because I can't do this anymore.. I just can't. I can't handle the pain. I can't handle the nonstop pain that life has given me.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Social Status

 Second day of school and it feels exactly like it did yesterday. I feel like an outcast or an outsider. I see all of these people and I see how they talk and hang out and I just wish that there was some way that I could belong.
  I'm all alone here. And I see and I look around me and I see all the groups of people. All the different types if people. Emo, preps, independents, free spirits. Mine, is outcast. I have made no friends so far on the second day and I see how I never will. I just hope that I can survive this year. I hope to stay out of the way and focus on my education. I have accepted that I don' belong. In school, or even with my OWN friends at my church. But sometimes life isn't always what we expect. Sometimes you have to protect yourself-even from the worst possible threat: yourself.
 Joplin High School is so different from home schooling. I hope to thrive and learn like I did at home. I hope that I can learn to adapt. I hope I can learn how to say out of every one's way. I hope that I can survive.
 I'm even trying to push myself away from my friends. Especially my best friend. He is making it very hard for me but I think I am managing. I succeeded yesterday on my personal goal. Lets hope I can do it again today. Well I'm at school writing this on my free time. I have to go to my next class. So long bloggers!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just Beyond the Clouds

 Am I really here, or am I just there? Do I know who I can trust just me? I have to protect myself? I cant get hurt again.
Sometimes people act like they have it altogether. Sometimes they laugh, when silently they cry. They say nothing, but inside they are screaming. Sometime, people just don't understand. Sometimes, time doesn't always heal, laughter isn't a medicine, and the sun isn't always behind the clouds.

  Why do I have to act like I have it altogether? Sometimes I just pretend for so long i just want to cry out, rip off my mask and scream, "Here I am! This is me! This is who I am! If you don't like me, cant say I blame you." I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of having to act like I have it altogether, when in reality...I don't. I'm not quite sure ANYONE has it altogether. I think secretly inside, everyone is screaming something.                                             
 Whey do I have to pretend to the very same people your supposed to run to? Why do I have to pretend to my family, my friends, my church? This is MY life...I Just have to accept that. This is who I am. This is me. I say, "If you don't like me, I don't care, I know who I am I don't need you." But in reality, I DO care what people think. I guess when you get talked about your whole life you lose the ability to separate the lies from the truth. Or maybe they become the same thing.

 You start to wonder who has the real idea about you. Sometimes people are saying stuff for so long, when you hear them say it, you just nod your head and say, "Yes, I know. It's the truth, I know."

 So who has the right idea about you? Is it me? Or my best friend who knows what I think about me, but not about what I have done, or me who knows what I have done, who chose to DO what i have done, and knows what I think about myself FOR doing what I have done? I'm pretty sure it's me...

 Not always is there an upside. Sometimes there is no silver lining, or two sides to every story. Or even the sun beyond the rain. "Cause what if your Blessings come through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your here? And what if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" There is no such thing.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Heart of the Issue

  So my dad took away my phone yesterday. He said that I have been on my phone a lot the past few days. I have been down because of strep. But I was aching and hurting so bad that talking to someone helped distract me. I had to go to work without my phone and when I got home we had a little chat. My parents had got into my phone and read my messages. And they wonder why I don't trust them! I feel like my privacy has been violated!
  My mom will be leaving soon and my dad will be working. I decided to be home schooled because its what my mom wanted me to do. Everything I do; everything I decide is because of what my mom wants me to do. I'm sick of living under that shadow of my family. I wish I could be ME. My mom I believe has the reigns too tight. Its not wings that I want, I want to be me. I want to hang out with my friends, I want to bee able to work, I want to be able to at least TALK to my friends without my parents getting suspicious.
  But what is the REAL issue here? I guess it looks like mom vs. daughter. Mom's will to not give me some freedom and trust or the daughter who just wants to be her own person. Not necessarily have wings but wants to be her own person.
  Last year I went to in self destruct mode. It wasn't healthy. And about 6 months ago, it was worse. My best friend has been there the whole time and I am so thankful for that. My parents think that something else is up and nothing is. They think that I'm isolating myself from my family and I'm not. I guess when you stand aside and watch your OWN life, you start to notice where your priorities lie. I love my best friends. And if they get taken away from me, I  have nothing. So I guess the real question is this: is it worth it? Lets hope so..

Saturday, July 23, 2011


   I just got back from camp yesterday. My week was last week but I helped with 3rd and 4th graders Wednesday-Friday. It was an awesome experience!The theme was I AM. We studied the story of Moses. Its really amazing just how many angles you can look at the story of Moses.
  Moses changed a lot of lives. Sure he had his screw ups. Who doesn't? But what made the difference was he let God work in him and use him. When God first called him, he made excuses. But God knew that Moses was scared. It makes me wonder. God uses the son of Pharaoh to deliver his slaves. Why HIM? I mean, Moses had a point. Someone else COULD have done it. But God wanted HIM.
  The speaker this week had a point this week. When God sent the plagues, he did a pretty darn good job picking them. Because the Egyptians had so many gods, they had a god for every tiny thing. He chose them specifically to show them that HE is the way. That HE is the light. HE is the one true God. I can't tell you why God sent the plagues, but I CAN tell you that God had a plan.
  We had a tornado here in Joplin recently. Its a horrible experience to drive down Rangeline and see the damage. I can't tell you why God sent the tornado. But I CAN tell you that God has a plan. He has reached so many people because of the tornado. And despite the destruction, people are working together. :) Joplin was broken before the tornado. We may be broken in a more literal form now, but we are coming together.
We are ALL God's children. We are ALL loved by him. I will write again soon. God Bless!