Pain

  Sometimes you should listen to your own advice. Sometimes you should  listen and trust yourself. Why did I open up my heart? I promised myself I would keep it on the DL. But I HAD to go and "make friends".  But in reality, to them your just the topic of the next conversation. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I such an idiot? He was a good friend and I not only pushed him away but I feel hurt by what he did. I feel like such a an outcast. I feel like I won't belong anywhere. All I want is to be invisible. All I want is love and no pain. But I have to protect myself. I can't get hurt again. Why do I have to go through all of this? Why all this pain? Its like it's nonstop pain all the time. Why? Why? Why?!
  Its really sad when I can't even trust myself anymore... I really need to just keep in on the down level. I'm really sick of this pain. I wish there was something more. I wish there was something that I could do...I really hate it when people tell me to just live life at the fullest. Just go out on a limb and do something, when just SURVIVING is a struggle on a daily basis. Why is that its so easy for some people when I just have to get through life? I hate having to just tread through life hoping to survive. Is there any hope? Will I ever be happy again?  Because I can't do this anymore.. I just can't. I can't handle the pain. I can't handle the nonstop pain that life has given me.