Tuesday, August 30, 2011


  Sometimes you should listen to your own advice. Sometimes you should  listen and trust yourself. Why did I open up my heart? I promised myself I would keep it on the DL. But I HAD to go and "make friends".  But in reality, to them your just the topic of the next conversation. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I such an idiot? He was a good friend and I not only pushed him away but I feel hurt by what he did. I feel like such a an outcast. I feel like I won't belong anywhere. All I want is to be invisible. All I want is love and no pain. But I have to protect myself. I can't get hurt again. Why do I have to go through all of this? Why all this pain? Its like it's nonstop pain all the time. Why? Why? Why?!
  Its really sad when I can't even trust myself anymore... I really need to just keep in on the down level. I'm really sick of this pain. I wish there was something more. I wish there was something that I could do...I really hate it when people tell me to just live life at the fullest. Just go out on a limb and do something, when just SURVIVING is a struggle on a daily basis. Why is that its so easy for some people when I just have to get through life? I hate having to just tread through life hoping to survive. Is there any hope? Will I ever be happy again?  Because I can't do this anymore.. I just can't. I can't handle the pain. I can't handle the nonstop pain that life has given me.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Social Status

 Second day of school and it feels exactly like it did yesterday. I feel like an outcast or an outsider. I see all of these people and I see how they talk and hang out and I just wish that there was some way that I could belong.
  I'm all alone here. And I see and I look around me and I see all the groups of people. All the different types if people. Emo, preps, independents, free spirits. Mine, is outcast. I have made no friends so far on the second day and I see how I never will. I just hope that I can survive this year. I hope to stay out of the way and focus on my education. I have accepted that I don' belong. In school, or even with my OWN friends at my church. But sometimes life isn't always what we expect. Sometimes you have to protect yourself-even from the worst possible threat: yourself.
 Joplin High School is so different from home schooling. I hope to thrive and learn like I did at home. I hope that I can learn to adapt. I hope I can learn how to say out of every one's way. I hope that I can survive.
 I'm even trying to push myself away from my friends. Especially my best friend. He is making it very hard for me but I think I am managing. I succeeded yesterday on my personal goal. Lets hope I can do it again today. Well I'm at school writing this on my free time. I have to go to my next class. So long bloggers!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just Beyond the Clouds

 Am I really here, or am I just there? Do I know who I can trust just me? I have to protect myself? I cant get hurt again.
Sometimes people act like they have it altogether. Sometimes they laugh, when silently they cry. They say nothing, but inside they are screaming. Sometime, people just don't understand. Sometimes, time doesn't always heal, laughter isn't a medicine, and the sun isn't always behind the clouds.

  Why do I have to act like I have it altogether? Sometimes I just pretend for so long i just want to cry out, rip off my mask and scream, "Here I am! This is me! This is who I am! If you don't like me, cant say I blame you." I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of having to act like I have it altogether, when in reality...I don't. I'm not quite sure ANYONE has it altogether. I think secretly inside, everyone is screaming something.                                             
 Whey do I have to pretend to the very same people your supposed to run to? Why do I have to pretend to my family, my friends, my church? This is MY life...I Just have to accept that. This is who I am. This is me. I say, "If you don't like me, I don't care, I know who I am I don't need you." But in reality, I DO care what people think. I guess when you get talked about your whole life you lose the ability to separate the lies from the truth. Or maybe they become the same thing.

 You start to wonder who has the real idea about you. Sometimes people are saying stuff for so long, when you hear them say it, you just nod your head and say, "Yes, I know. It's the truth, I know."

 So who has the right idea about you? Is it me? Or my best friend who knows what I think about me, but not about what I have done, or me who knows what I have done, who chose to DO what i have done, and knows what I think about myself FOR doing what I have done? I'm pretty sure it's me...

 Not always is there an upside. Sometimes there is no silver lining, or two sides to every story. Or even the sun beyond the rain. "Cause what if your Blessings come through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your here? And what if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" There is no such thing.